I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize