I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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