I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My liver just had a heart attack.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
