You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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