If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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