Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
