The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We just shotgunned beers for America
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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