Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
