my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
