so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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