I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize