True but thats because hes a fetus.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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