Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
