Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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