Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
