I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
