i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
