so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Fuck appropriateness.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize