hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
