I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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