mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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