I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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