Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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