i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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