I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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