if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
