you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
