If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
