So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
