I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
