this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
