Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
