Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
