It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
