Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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