before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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