i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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