I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
