i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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