foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
