i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
