my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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