do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
