Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
