I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
