there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
