Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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