his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
