Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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