I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
