Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
