I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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