Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
