remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
