So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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