I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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