My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
