I just saw a hot homeless man
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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