i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
