Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
