He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
