shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
